


Taking courage

by Imiaslavie



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, dorks being dorks and Sam being a wonderful friend, mentions of Mike/Jessica, mentions of Sam/Hannah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-26 01:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4985263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imiaslavie/pseuds/Imiaslavie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another year had passed, and Josh’s prank and wendigo were both forgotten. For some the first one was worse, for some – the latter. Josh just was hoping he was the lesser evil in the mind of his friends than murderous cannibalistic monsters. One way or another, they all were with him. All scarred, still broken inside a little, but with him. Caring or tolerating, worried about or hating, but with him. And he loved them all.</p><p>But one of them he loved much, much more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step one: find a confidant

This winter was mild, unlike the last one. It was really pleasant in the morning and during the day, but only slightly too cold near night. Even Jessica - who loved wearing super-short jackets and always pretended she wasn’t cold - didn’t have to pretend. Although now her taste in clothes really had changed, improved in Josh’s opinion; she wore jackets long enough to cover her loins. And scars are very sensitive to the cold, after all…

Maybe, it was nature’s way of saying ‘sorry.’ Sorry for giving such harsh winters for the past two years, winters with blizzards and angry winds. One such winter helped The Wendigo take Hannah and Beth, the second one nearly cost everyone else in the group their lives. If not for the slippery iced stones, freezing air, veil of the mist… Maybe, no one would have gotten lost. And fallen. And died.

But maybe the real reason for such climate kindness was that they, actually, weren’t on the Blackwood Mountain. They were at the other Washington family residence, a smaller house, not that posh… But safer. Far, far away from that cursed place, where so many bitter memories lived.

Another year had passed, and both Josh’s prank and The Wendigo were forgotten. For some, the first memory was worse, for others – the latter. Josh just was hoping he was the lesser evil in the mind of his friends, in comparison to the murderous, cannibalistic monsters.  
One way or another, they all stayed with him. All scarred, still a little broken inside, but with him. Caring or tolerating, worrying or hating, but with him. And he loved them all.

But he loved one of them much, much more.

Right now Josh was sitting on the huge couch in the living room. It was the biggest room in the house, mainly because it was merged with kitchen. Thanks to that fact, he was able to watch Sam and Ashley; the girls were making sandwiches for the whole group, and tea. They were chatting quietly, chopping ham, cheese, bacon, and even miniature pickles - just how Chris loved them.

As if sensing that someone was thinking about him, Chris walked into the room. He approached the kitchen counter, where girls were working, and grabbed a couple of pickles. Well, tried to: Ashley slapped his hand away.

“Wait till we finish, dumbass,” she told him, pointing at him with a knife. Chris didn’t even bat an eyelash, just took a little piece of cheese that was stuck to the knife, quickly ate it, and proceeded on to the couch with a bright smile, grabbing the TV-remote on the way.

Josh watched Ashley out of the corner of his eye and saw how she burst into giggles and whispered something into Sam’s ear. His chest tightened. Of course Ash took that gesture as flirting. Well, she was right to do so, but still… Would it kill her not to notice something so minor? 

He suddenly slipped into yet another episode of self-hatred. Well, ‘hatred’ was too strong word, but… He made this relationship possible, he helped his friends open their eyes and see each other as romantic partners.

Stupid.

“Hey, bro, what gotcha thinking so hard?” Chris asked, falling onto the coach right beside Josh and turning the TV on. Some cartoon appeared on the screen; a weird looking girl with violet skin let out a devilish laugh. Of course he would sit close. There never was much space between them.

“Nothing. Really,” he answered, trying to sound honest, but Chris didn’t buy it. He decreased the volume a couple of levels and turned to friend fully.

“You look really down. C’mon, don’t shut me out.”

Josh pursed his lips. Oh, Cochise, ever the kind helping soul… If you only knew…

“I’m okay. I mean, there is something that’s bothering me,” okay, he couldn’t lie, “but it’s just… not something you can help me with.”

Chris hummed agreeably in response and turned his attention back to the TV. His face was unreadable, but for a second… There was great sadness in his eyes, and Josh noticed it. Damn. Now he was feeling guilty.

A couple of minutes passed. Chris seemed to be totally captured with a show. He even started whistling a melody, quietly, along with the characters. He totally watched this before and loved it, the nerd. Josh allowed himself to smile affectionately.

“Maybe… Maybe you would wanna talk to Sam?” Chris suddenly asked.

“Wh…”

“What was that about Sam?” The girl in question asked slyly, putting a heavy tray with sandwiches on the table. Ashley placed another one with a kettle near it and called everyone to join, then left to grab cups. Sam looked at the guys, smiling. “So?”

“Josh said he wants to talk about something with you.” Yep, he said that. Bold move, really, not something one would expect of him.

“Really?” When no one answered, she asked again. ”Josh?”

And in the meanwhile, Josh was panicking. Not too badly, not enough to start hyperventilating, but enough for numbness to spread throughout his body and to develop a nasty feeling in his chest. He inhaled and exhaled heavily a couple of times and felt like he’d lost his voice. A million thoughts were flying in his head. Sam noticed the tension and became serious. Chris’ mischievous smile died too. But before any of them could touch him, Josh managed to gather himself. He made a decision.

“Y-Yeah. I want to talk,” he confessed.

“Something important? Wanna go upstairs?” Sam offered. Meaning: privacy. Josh felt like he used up all the words he had for now, so he just nodded, hoping he didn’t look too pathetic. Sam nodded too and took him by the hand.

Chris watched cautiously as they left the room. He was feeling really bad about what he’d done… Although, no, not for what he did, only for how he did it. But he just felt like Josh desperately needed to talk. It hurt, of course, that he wasn’t Josh’s confidant, not anymore, it seemed. But it was not about his feelings, but his friend’s stability. And happiness.

“Tea smells wonderful, Ash! Mikey, would you, please…?” He heard Jessica’s sweet voice right behind him and realized everyone was already here.

“Of course, my princess!” Munroe laughed and began pouring tea for everyone, starting, of course, with his ‘princess.’

And while everyone was partaking in a tea session, Sam and Josh settled into the smallest room of the house - the last one, on the right side of the hallway. Josh really loved this room: it was tiny, cozy, always warm, and had a strong lock on the door. This time he decided to share a big bedroom with the other guys, to be closer to company, but when he was in the house alone, he always slept in his favourite room.

“So, what do you wanna talk about?” Sam asked, trying to use light tone. She was obviously worried about him. Damn, he makes everyone worry…

He did make the decision to, but… Josh realized it’d take a great deal of courage to confess to Sam. He was one hundred percent sure she would understand, wouldn’t laugh or do anything worse, but still…

“Take your time,” she smiled with the corners of her lips and looked at him with an absurdly intense fondness. Good, good Sam, always feels him. And he ‘took his time.’ The tea, waiting for them downstairs was cold for sure now, that’s how long they’ve been sitting in almost silence, if not for the Sam’s quiet humming.

After almost fifteen minutes, Josh started to feel ashamed for making Sam waste time on him, so he finally managed to form some words:

“It’s a secret. A really big one.” He took a ragged breath, ”You can’t tell anyone.”

“Of course I won’t, you know I won’t.”

“Yes, yes, I know. I trust you with this… I trust you with anything, really!” He added quickly.

“I trust you with everything too,” she said. She still didn’t even try to force him to hurry, and it was so thoughtful of her, that’s why Josh plain loved her. And speaking of love…

“So-o… the big thing is,” and he stuttered, widened his lips in crooked smile, then pursed them... Inhaled through nose… And finally, “I’m in love with Chris.”

There. He said it. He confessed.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“You do know I’m not the one you should be telling this to, right?”

“And who… Oh no. No. I can’t. I won’t,” he let out a helpless laugh. “You know why. I can’t force my confession on him... because… when he’d reject me… he would feel guilty. And refuse to leave. But it would be hard on him. So…”

“Bullshit!” Sam’s harsh voice, full of outrage, interrupted his explanation. And she seemed to immediately regret her tone, so she caught his palms in hers and smiled reassuringly. “Listen… Your friendship? It’s not just any friendship. This is the kind… that will endure everything. And you have the best goddamn proof one can ever get.” She was talking about the prank, obviously. The consequences of it. “He didn’t leave you. He didn’t stop caring about you. Didn’t even have second thoughts.”

“How… How can you be so sure?” Josh asked in a small voice. He felt like he was boneless, and that only Sam’s strong hands were keeping him together.

“Isn’t it the power best friends have, to know something like that? Just… Believe me, Josh. You said you trusted me on everything. Trust me on this. Chris will never leave you, no matter what. And even if – if! – he rejects your feelings, he would never reject you.”

There was absolute faith in her words. She didn’t hesitate. She was one hundred percent sure.

Josh wanted to believe her. So much.

“You really think…”

“I do”.

“And you think I should…”

“Definitely.”

But how would he do that? Just go straight to Chris and tell him? Well, it’s not like there was any other way… Just the direct route. Sam would be right behind him, to catch him, if the need arises, right? Right.

“Just… Not right now? But I promise… I’ll try to tell him before we leave the lodge.”

“A promise to me? Or yourself?” Sam asked, smiling happily. She really was optimistic about this.

“To both, I guess.”

“Good. Let’s get back to others,” she stood up, not letting go of his hands, so he would have no choice but follow her. “And I’m not letting you brood in here.” Damn, the girl could see right through him, Josh realized, feeling both happy and little bit threatened. Well, one can say he was in good hands.

The cheerful voices of his friends reached the pair on their way down. Even Emily sounded pretty… relaxed, in Josh’s opinion. Good, the tea was able to decrease her bitchiness a bit. Whilst Ashley… Josh sucked in a breath through teeth. Of course she was sitting right next to Chris, almost pressed into his body. ‘Would you like another sandwich?’ She probably said in a sweet voice, just to get closer to him. Yikes.

Sam marched right to the table, smiling brightly, and inspected it: the others really had eaten almost everything.

“There should be more at the fridge, I think,” Ashley suggested, noticing her friend’s ‘inspection.’ “But the tea is cold.”

“Really? That’s a shame. Ash, could you please grab what’s left in the fridge while I’m making tea?” This was said with a voice that was a bit too sugary, because Ashley looked kinda surprised, but agreed to help nonetheless.

Josh met Sam’s eyes, and she tilted her head just slightly, pointing at the vacant seat near Chris, before storming out after Ash.

The Washington boy could swear his ears were blushing when he sat near his friend. That was a really clever move on Sam’s part, impressive, really. Subtle and effective.

No one really paid any attention to this little change in the sitting arrangements. Chris only leaned a little closer to Josh, just so he could whisper, and not let anyone else listen in.

“Is everything okay?” There was genuine worry in his tone, not masked at all. It felt really good, though still mixed with a little bit of guilt.

“Yeah. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Sam… She always knows what to say.”

“That she does. Well, good.”

Josh knew what he would see if he looked into his friend’s eyes: that pain again. Chris hurt because he thought he couldn’t be trusted anymore. Nothing could be done now to prevent that, but… In a couple of days…

All Josh could do now, is take a big fluffy plaid quilt, to cover both of them, just so it would hide them from knee to chin, and move a little bit closer (not close enough for everyone to think they were being suspiciously too friendly, but close enough for their bodies to be pressed quite tightly against each other). And Chris didn’t seem to mind at all. He sank deeper into the soft couch; his body absolutely relaxed. And warm. And solid. And… Damn, Cochise, why do you have to be so great? Just… Josh wished he could lay his head on Chris’ shoulder right now.

That would be perfect.


	2. Step two: just try to do it

Josh was sleeping. And having good dreams for a change. Dreams without a plot or familiar face. Just him, walking slowly on the endless golden beach, basking in sunlight; small shells biting into the skin of his feet. Seagulls screaming in the sky, no human voices at all… Just some strange hammering noises… Thump-thump-thump… Louder and louder… He turns around, and…

And suddenly he was dreaming no longer. He was awake, and the noises turned out to be someone knocking on the door of his small room. Yes, that night he slept alone, for he’d decided to hide from everyone just for one night.

“Josh! Wake up, you lazy ass!” Of course it was Sam, disgustingly peppy and lively. What was the time...? The red numbers of his digital clock said that it was past ten in the morning. Well, that was a surprise. He’d been getting up early past weeks, around seven in the morning, sometimes feeling normal, but most times feeling like shit. This particular morning was good.

Josh quickly got dressed, made the bed, and opened the door.

“Wow, my friend, you have bedhead!” Sam commented, reaching her hand out and ruffling his dark strands even more. Josh let himself enjoy this sensation and laughed.

“Good morning to you too. Just… Gimme a sec, okay? I’ll be quick!” He said, disappearing into the bathroom. He quickly brushed his hair, teeth and splashed his face with cold water. Wow, now he was definitely feeling good. And Sam could sense his good mood too, he was sure of it.

“You hungry?” She asked when they were going down the stairs. That might seem like a strange question, but it really wasn’t. Josh rarely ate in the mornings, had no desire to, and even if he did, could stomach only porridge, maybe with some fruits. That morning he actually wanted to eat, so he gave Sam a little nod. “Good. I'll make you something, just wait.”

He nodded again and sat in the armchair. The couch, which he preferred, was currently occupied by Jess and Mike. Well, they left enough space for at least two people to join, actually, but... No one, including Josh, wanted to disturb them.

Jessica was sitting very close to Mike, one of his arms around her shoulders and the other one holding a phone. They obviously were watching some video, something funny or cute, because Jess kept smiling and giggling. Sometimes she would lean in closer and whisper something in Michael’s ear, and he would smile too.

When Josh learned about their relationship a year ago, he really didn’t like it. He had nothing against Jessica, but she was a classical bimbo: beautiful, carefree, and sometimes irritating. And she was convenient for Mike; many guys loved easy girls. That was his impression. But, after the incident, it turned out Josh was wrong about everything. Jessica never would have the mind or intelligence of a scientist, but she was clever and pleasant to talk to. And her beauty… Josh quickly glanced at her. The deep scar at the corner of the lips, on her forehead, cheekbone, temples, her neck and shoulders… He’s seen her at the hospital, briefly, but he’d noticed multiple scars and even burns all over her body. But to Mike she was still beautiful; he hadn’t left her. Actually, they’d been inseparable all this year. They even moved in together.

Josh glanced at Mike and felt his heart break. There was so much love and tenderness in Mike’s eyes when he was looking at Jessica. So much that it was almost indecent for him to witness this private, intimate moment.

He was so fucking happy for them. But couldn’t help but wonder if someone would ever look at him like that.

Not being able to handle such an intense atmosphere, he turned away, deciding to kill time looking at the scenery outside the windows… But the first thing he saw was not actually a thing, but Chris standing on the porch. All alone. Wouldn’t it be a perfect moment to go and talk to him? It totally would. So Josh got up and headed to the door. Sam seemed to not notice his movements, for she didn’t say a word.

He took a deep breath and opened the door. It creaked gently, letting him out.

“Whoever you are, good morning to you,” Chris said, not even trying to turn around. He didn’t move an inch. Josh came closer and saw a little squirrel almost sitting on Chris’ hand. The furry creature had taken a hold of his index finger with its miniature paws. So that’s why his friend basically ignored him – he was trying to stay still and not to scare the animal away.

“Tamer of vicious beasts, ain’t you now?” Josh asked, smiling widely.

“Yep. Fuck app developing, I will work in a circus.”

“Cool, free tickets for us!”

Suddenly the squirrel bounced up and quickly ran off (but before that she managed to grab a couple of cashews). Chris let out a breath and lifted his arms up, stretching.

“Sorry, I scared it,” the Washington boy apologized, trying not to swoon openly over the groan his friend had let out. 

“Man, I’m freezing, I’m hungry, and my body feels like a piece of wood. I ought to thank you for doing so.”

If Chris was a girl, Josh would say something like, ’Want me to warm you up?’ It would be easy. But Chris wasn’t a girl. He was who he was. And if earning his affection would be hard – so be it.

Josh nudged friend in the shoulder and leaned on the porch rail. A little voice inside of his head tried to remind him of why he came here and what he ought to be doing. But, then again, easier said than done. And it would be much harder than it was with Sam.

“So… You and Sam…” Whoa, stop reading goddamn minds, you nerd! “Did you work everything out? I mean,” Chris waved his hand around, as if trying to demonstrate something, “with whatever problem you had… or have.”

Damn. And how was Josh supposed to answer that? He didn’t have the exact same problem now, it was a slightly different one, and it was bugging and scaring him much more. And he didn’t feel like he had the strength to… confess... oh god, even the word seemed stupid...!

Chris interpreted his friend’s silence in a negative way. He smiled bitterly, and took a little step away.

“I get it, I’m prying, so…”

“Wha… no!” Josh momentarily grabbed Chris by his arm. “Chris, stop. Stop acting like… like I don’t trust you anymore,” he finished seriously. Now they were standing even closer to each other than before, Chris looked at him with an unreadable expression. “I know… how it looks. It looks bad. But I promise, I promise – everything is fine. Or will be fine in a couple of days. Trust me. Just as I trust you.”

Josh didn’t expect to give such fiery speech. And another promise. Although basically it was the same one, only now it included Chris.

“In a couple of days… You mean, something is going to happen? What?” Chris asked, bemusedly.

“You can say that. And maybe not in a couple of days… Any moment, actually.” Great, this stupid plan keeps on getting better and better. 

Chris gave him a serious look. It felt very… intense. Oh god, is this the ‘right moment’ everyone was talking about? You know, when the air thickens, everything else disappears and the atmosphere is just perfect?

“Even now?” He asked quietly. Did he… Did he guess...?

“Even now,” Josh admitted just as quietly. Okay, you can do this, he said to himself. It’s just three stupid words. Okay, maybe not three, maybe some explanation would be required, like, Chris know he loves him as a friend, and…

Any calmness Josh previously had inside of him seemed to vanish. But the ‘atmosphere’ did not, so he tried to concentrate once again. Three words. Three simple words.

“Chris, I- WHAT THE HELL?!” Josh cried, as a snowball hit him right in the cheek. He turned and saw a very apologetic looking Matt.

“Sorry - Sorry - Sorry!” Matt worriedly said. Emily appeared by his side, and laid her hand on her boyfriend's elbow. “Are you okay?”

No. No he wasn’t okay. He was so very fucking far from okay. Everything was horrible. He felt like he was the squirrel from before: small, scared and in desperate need to flee.

So he fled.

He ran through the opening door – Sam was coming out to see what was going on. He bumped into her, and a bowl fell from her hand, spilling porridge all over the floor. Everyone was screaming questions, trying to stop him, but he didn’t listen.

Josh crossed the distance between stairs and his room in mere seconds. With shaking hands, he inserted the key into the door, and once he was inside the room, locked it. The key fell somewhere, but he didn’t care. There were quick heavy steps, approaching, but he didn’t care.

He felt horrible. Like he failed. He did fail. He wasted the perfect opportunity. No, nothing would happen, not now, not in a couple of days, not ever. Not with his luck.

Josh took off his boots, which were covered in snow, and fell onto the bed, hiding under the blanket. It was eleven thirty in the morning, and the day was already ruined. His plans were ruined. His mood was ruined. He hadn’t had felt that shitty in a long time.

Someone started banging on the door and calling his name. Chris. Of course. And Sam. Both obviously worried sick. They were asking him something, but Josh couldn’t hear what exactly – he felt like he had an apiary in his head, with thousands of bees protecting him from the sounds. But the bees weren’t doing enough, so he reached his hand out and grabbed the MP3 Player from the stand.

Sounds of seagulls screaming filled his head. The soft hissing of waves, whirling winds…

Josh Washington fell into deep sleep with a strong sense of déjà vu.

***

“It’s dinner time, and he still didn’t come out," Sam said with dejection in her voice, playing with last pieces of fried chicken on her plate. She wasn’t able to stomach lunch, but it was 7 PM already, and hunger won over worry.

“I left a tray with sandwiches near his door,” Jess said, concern written all over her face. “Even if he wouldn’t want to come down and see us…”

“Well, I hope he gets his shit together,” Emily said, polishing her nails. Matt smiled to Sam apologetically, as he always did when Emily was too blatant, stood up and took everyone’s plates to the sink.

Chris lazily watched as he took a couple of peaches, cut them into accurate cubes, pierced some of them with little pink skewers and presented all of them to Emily in a small glass bowl. Emily looked very pleased. And… Wait, was that a real smile of gratitude? Holy crap.

Another couple of hours passed in constant chatter. Laughing was rare, though. Everyone was affected by what had transpired. And one by one, everyone left. The last ones sitting in the living room were Chris and Sam. She had only left the room for only five minutes to bring back the tray with untouched food.

“I just don’t understand… What the hell happened?” Chris said, anger and irritation in his voice. “I don’t think Matt’s snowball is to be blamed.”

“I don’t think so too,” Sam agreed.

“He was trying to tell me something. And he was interrupted when he got hit.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Was it really important? He freaked out really badly…”

“I guess it was.”

Chris watched her carefully.

“You don’t guess,” he realized. “You know. You know exactly what he was going to say.”

Sam said nothing, only sipped her tea loudly.

“Sam. Sam. Come on… Sam!”

“What?” She snapped. “What do you want me to say? I won’t say anything besides the fact that I’m angry and upset at myself, and that I feel like I failed him!” This day was going freaking great. Everyone was screaming, everyone was angry at themselves and each other. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scream. Just… I feel like I always fuck up when dealing with the Washingtons.”

“The Washingtons?” Chris blinked. “As in plural?”

Sam suddenly stiffened. Oh.

“Well…” She finally said after a long silence. “I guess it’s as good a time as any. And without dancing around – I liked Hannah.”

“Wow. Um. Care to elaborate?” Chris asked, trying to connect the dots.

“Do you really think now’s the time to tell a sad story, especially with what happened today?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I think, it would be better to deal with everything that happened today and sleep peacefully. But if you don’t want to…”

“No. It’s fine,” she said, hugging herself. Chris fixed the pillow under his head and shifted legs to be more comfortable. “It won’t be a long story. We were best friends, everyone knows that. Maybe not as close as you and Josh, but… very close. And I always wanted to have a sister. And when our friendship started, I thought, hey, maybe she would be my sister by choice! Time passed, and I adored her so much, couldn’t imagine myself without her, but… Not once did she feel like a sister to me. I didn’t understand why. And then Prom happened.” Sam’s voice became very soft. “She looked so beautiful in that dress, I suddenly realized: ‘I like her more then a friend.’ Since that day, my feelings only grew. I guess, I fell under the Washington’s charms. Can’t resist them, can you?” She winked at Chris and then sighed. “So, that was the story.”

“Did she… Did she know about your feelings?”

Sam pursed her lips tightly.

“No. I… I was too late. I was going to tell her, I wasn’t afraid, but… then the accident happened. And everything turned to shit. So, yeah. I have an amazing history of fucking things up when dealing with Washingtons. I’m going to sleep,” she added abruptly, standing up and folding up the quilt.

“Holy hell,” Chris shook his head. “Christ, I couldn’t even imagine…”

“What? That I’m into girls?” Sam chuckled, coming to stand right near couch where Chris was half-sitting, half-lying.

“That you’ve been dealing with so much. Can I hug you?”

The request was so sudden and out of the blue, that she lost all her words. So she nodded. Chris stood up and grabbed her into strong bear-like hug. It was almost as if he wished to squeeze all the sadness and pain out of her.

“Thanks,” Sam whispered, her arms resting on Chris’ shoulders. He felt… solid. And reliable. Very important qualities in her book.

When they let go of each other, both felt much better. Sam could even produce a genuine smile.

“Really, thanks. And, uh… I hope it wasn’t too much for you. Well, you know, my, uh, preferences,” she added, noticing Chris’ uncomprehending look.

“Wh… no! No, Sam, no. It’s fine with me. It’s okay, I’d never judge. I mean... It’s okay.” Chris seems to stumble on his own words. His cheeks even blushed a little. Sam gave him a glance full of suspicion and nodded.

“Well, that’s good. And now I’m really going to the bed. You?”

“I... I'll check on Josh. Well… Try to, at least.”

“Good luck. And good night. To both of you,” said Sam as she left the room. Her bedroom was on the first floor, which she shared with Ashley. A nice, light, big room.

Very different from Josh's.

Heart was beating like a caged bird in Chris' chest. And only one thought in his head: “Please, open up, please, open up...!”

He reached the door and knocked gently, three times.

“Hey, Josh. It's Chris. Would you... Open the door for me?” Silence was the only answer. After three minutes he tried again. “Josh, please. I know you’re not sleeping. It's physically impossible for you to be sleeping right now.” Another minute of silence. “Josh. Don't shut me out. Please.”

Another minute passed, and Chris was ready to try more aggressive methods, when suddenly the door opened.

Josh looked... Josh looked like... He made Chris want to hug him and never ever let him go, that’s how rough he looked. But he wouldn't touch Josh until he had permission, spoken or silent. Right this moment Chris didn't know what to do. So he just stretched his hand towards Josh, palm up. Josh's face was emotionless, but there was surprise in his eyes. He took the offered hand nonetheless, squeezing it firmly, like he was a scared child.

“Wanna eat something? You didn't touch anything we left you.”

“Wasn't hungry. Never am when I'm... like that.”

“But are you now?”

Josh nodded, but when Chris tried to pull him, he didn't move an inch.

“I don't want to leave my room,” he admitted in a weak voice.

“Okay, I'll bring something to you.” But Josh didn't let go of his hand either. “Okay, Josh, what's the de-”

Chris question was cut out by sudden pull. One moment, and he was inside the room, door closed, and Josh's head buried in his chest. He was warm and shaking, and Chris didn't think it was from cold. His arms circled around Josh's shoulder, one of his palms on the nape of his neck, rubbing gently. This embrace was nothing like with Sam.

“Don't know about you, but I could use some sleep. Maybe we...”

“Yes.”

So that’s how it was. Without breaking apart, they reached the bed and fell on it. It was warm too; Josh obviously had been lying in it moment ago.

And now they were lying on it together, limbs entangled, breathing very loud.

“Just... for a while, 'kay?” Josh asked, already sounding sleepy. But content. Calm. Happy.

“Okay,” came the answer from Chris, his words filled with the same emotions.

And thus, they fell asleep.


	3. Step three: after failing, just wait for the right moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished!

It wasn't the first time they’d slept in one bed. Nothing romantic ever, but intimate beyond measure.

Such nights had been happening once every two-three weeks or so. And it always had been like this: something unusual would happen, that would unbalance Josh so much, he would have a burning desire to hide from the world forever, forget that the people beside him even exist, pretend that he’s the only creature breathing – living - in the world. He could spend the whole day (or even two) alone, not moving, not eating, not wishing to see anyone. But sometime after he would snap out of his numbness, and he would feel the desperate need to see someone, to touch, to smell, to feel, as if trying to compensate. And that someone always was Chris.

And for some reason there never had been any awkwardness in waking up together, limbs entangled, breath mixed, heat shared under one big blanket. It had felt as simple and right as shaking each other’s hand when meeting. No inappropriate thoughts ever. Well, on Josh’s part, but he was sure Chris felt the same.

This morning was no different. Somewhere down below, the cuckoo-clock (yep, they had one) alerted everyone that it was already nine (in the morning, obviously). And if it was possible to be tired because of too much sleeping, this was exactly how Josh felt.

“I definitely want to go jogging or something,” he muttered. “Don’t want to feel like a log.”

“Yeah, I would feel like one if I were you. How long you’ve been sleeping? Two whole nights and a day?” Chris agreed, reaching for his phone that was lying on the floor. Josh had heard it falling on the floor somewhere, deep into the night but had decided he didn’t give a fuck and fell to sleep again.

“And I’m fucking hungry. Ready to eat a boar.”

“Shall I hunt for it in the woods?” Chris asked, arching an eyebrow. “Or will a little hunt in a fridge be sufficient?”

Josh stiffened, realising he still didn’t really want to come out and hear Matt’s apology just for it to be cut off by Emily’s fresh morning bitchiness. Although yes, he was feeling much much better.

“O-Okay… I guess you don’t wanna leave the room.” Nod. ”And you won’t let me go either.” Another nod. “So how about I text Sam, and she can bring us something? Is that okay?”

Josh weighed their options, his hunger, and nodded yet again. Yes, Sam was fine. It would be okay for her to enter, to interrupt this moment. She already was somehow a part of it.

Chris obediently started typing on the phone. Josh shifted his head a little so he could see the screen. Chris typed very fast and not once missed a letter. He totally could play a hacker in some movie, you know, those people who type with hyper speed and pretend to code very intricate programs to save the world.

“It’s impolite to look at other people’s phones, Joshua,” Chris teased, sending Sam a smiley emoji. Josh snickered, pressing his arm more tightly into friend’s chest.

“Even when you lie atop of them?”

“Even then,” Chris answered imperturbably, putting his phone into shirt’s inner pocket. “Speaking of – how about we finally get out of bed? Bathroom awaits, ya know.”

“Agreed,” said Josh, even though he wouldn’t mind lying for a couple more minutes, and they both sat on the bed. “Shit, my head hurts!” He croaked, lifting his right arm to rub forehead.

“That’s what happens when you oversleep.”

“’Oversleep’? That’s a thing? Great. The human body is great.”

“You know what else is great? Your old man morning grumbling.”

“You’re gonna regret saying that,” Josh promised, finally getting out of bed and looking for his boots. He found them under the bed, pulled them out… and then put them back, deciding that socks were enough. Floors with heating systems were made for a reason, after all. “You’re so-o gonna regret…”

“Old man’s grumbling,” Chris repeated, chuckling, already all dressed up. He found a comb and was styling his hair with ferocity, trying to build it up. Josh laughed quietly, watching his attempts.

After ten more minutes (and Chris had been styling his hair for the whole time, yes) someone, apparently Sam, knocked on the door, judging by the sound source – using her foot.

“Coming!” Chris called, putting away the comb, and went to open the door. Behind it was indeed Sam, smiling brightly, a tray with sandwiches and porridge and glasses of milk in her hands.

“Morning, boys!” She called. “Josh, I brought you some aspirin, I think you need it.”

“You are an angel, Sammy,” Josh said, coming closer to the door, feeling his chest tighten a little. Chris took the heavy tray from the girl’s hands. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Oh, and Chris? After you finish, come join me in the basement? I need your help with something.”

Sam waited for Chris to nod, gave them another Hollywood smile and left, closing the door behind her. Chris set the tray on the table, pushed it closer to the bed, sat, and gestured Josh to join him. He did. They both dug in instantly, Chris shoving a giant sandwich into his mouth and Josh eating spoon after spoon of steaming hot porridge with little pieces of peaches, deciding that aspirin wasn’t needed that much (and he hated extra medicine).

“Sam is great,” Josh mumbled, and Chris nodded, totally agreeing with the statement.

“The greatest woman I know,” he agreed out loud.

Josh stopped eating, slowly put his spoon down. That statement was… unexpected. Not something he thought Chris of all people would say. Sure, Sam was great, but…

“What about Ash? Ain’t she the greatest one for you? Woman, I mean,” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Ash?” Chris sounded surprised. “Sure, she is great. But, uh, that… thing… you did? Last year?” Josh tried to turn away when he heard that, but Chris’ hand on the shoulder stopped him. “It kinda made me realise the opposite of what you wanted me to. Ash is like a sister to me. You were all like ‘when will you bang her, bow chicka wow wow, Cochise’, and I thought about it, and been thinking all that horrible night, and decided that there would be no banging.”

“She doesn’t think so.”

“Hm?”

“She thinks there will be. She, like, will start wolf whistling at you soon. I hope,” Actually, feared, “that you noticed.”

“’Course I did, I’m not an idiot,” Chris shoved a cherry tomato into his mouth. “Just don’t really care.”

“You flirt back!” Josh said, hiding the beginnings of relief behind the perturbation.

“How would you know?” Chris squinted his eyes. Josh felt his cheeks heat up a little bit.

“I’m almighty and all-seeing,” he shrugged his shoulders and begun eating a sliced apple. Very considerate of Sam.

Their breakfast continued in somewhat comfortable silence. Josh was wondering what Chris was thinking about. Was he still suspicious of the way Josh noticed the workings of his and Ashley’s relationship? It was a little bit creepy, he guessed, being watched so closely by your friends. Well, it’s not like Josh gathers information to gossip, right? So everything should be fine, really. But it still was damn suspicious.

“So… You ready to go? I mean, I really gotta, because Sammy would be furious if I don’t help her,” Chris asked, wiping crumbs from his fingers. He looked a little bit guilty. He didn’t really want to leave Josh so soon.

“It’s fine. I’m ready.” And Josh indeed was feeling better than yesterday, much, much better; ready to face the world again.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. Let’s go.”

And go they did. After both had used the bathroom, at the bottom of the stairs they separated: Chris went down the left corridor, which lead towards the basement door, and Josh went to the living room. It greeted him with the smell of fruit tea and the sight of Matt in a weird bright purple T-shirt sitting on the couch.

Matt’s phone ringed shortly the moment Josh walked in, apparently informing him about some kind of message. He fished out the phone from his jacket’s inner pocket, unlocked it and read whatever he had received. His face lit up.

“Something good?” Josh asked, sitting beside him and not even trying to hide his curiosity. Finding a theme to talk about was good. It meant finding the chance to avoid an apology.

Matt looked up from the screen, looking a little bit unsure, but smiling widely.

“It’s, uh, from my university professor. I finally got my exam.”

“You have problems with your exams?” That was really surprising. Matt always had been a smart guy, never had problems with studying.

“Not the exam itself. With examiner. She hates me for some reason, has been messing with me the whole semester. I got my term paper topic three weeks later than other students, just because ‘The mail must’ve gotten lost, Matthew!’” Last part was obviously a quote, for it was said in a high-pitched, mocking voice.

“Wow. And you’ve been putting up with this for months?”

Matt shrugged his shoulders.

“She has strong authority in the university. And, uh… I’m not a confrontational kind of person, really not. I can negotiate, try to ask nicely, reason, but not press.”

“So… How did you get this exam?”

“Emily helped me.”

“Really? Okay, okay, sorry!” Josh laughed, noticing Matt’s disapproving glance. He really hated it when someone badmouthed his girlfriend.

“Yes, she did. I tried to hide everything from her, didn’t want to worry her, but eventually, she got tired of my sour face and made me tell her everything. Man, she was furious! And not with me, with my professor! And she did what I didn’t expect her to do – she grabbed my hand and dragged me through the town to professor’s office… Literally,” Matt clarified in a very enthusiastic voice. “She dragged me like a puppet. And once we got there, she just destroyed everything in her way; the security guard, girls from my group waiting in line to the professor’s office, just some random people. And, man, when they faced each other? It was glorious. Really, I’m not a big fan of violence, but Em reprimanded her and put her in her place so beautifully… I was awed. I’m sure I had the most stupid love-struck face ever. Em made her freaking apologise to me! That was priceless. It was awesome, what she did for me.”

“Well, that’s how relationships work, my friend. You do things for each other.” Josh was clearly impressed by this story, Emily’s actions specifically. And it made him think. Really hard.

“Yeah, I know. But I really was okay doing things for her and her just being with me. It makes me happy to, well, make her happy, and-“

“But is it right, if one person in a relationship doesn’t feel happy when doing nice things for their significant other? I mean… That is what love means to me.” Josh said quietly. “If helping your partner, seeing them relieved, happy, appreciative doesn’t make you feel the same, only irritates you and is seen as a waste of time, then what’s the point…?” Josh suddenly threw up his head. Shit. He was lost in his thoughts and forgot he was talking to someone. These were not the kind of things he was ready to share with Matt. Or anyone else, really. Even Chris. Chris was to know them only through his actions, not words. Josh felt the embarrassment colouring his cheeks. The only thing left to do is to leave with honour. So he put on a smile and forced a pleased laugh. “Well, congrats on your exam. Make sure to celebrate it with Em properly, will ya?” He slowly stood up, throwing a quick glance towards the kitchen. Where the fuck are you, Cochise?

After investigating the first floor it became clear that Chris was nowhere to be found. And while looking for him Josh was thinking about what Matt said.

Yes, Emily was a human tank, the toughest person he has ever known. The most selfish one, too, inconsiderate of other people’s feeling and wishes. But, apparently, something besides her bones had cracked one year ago – Josh snickered shortly and instantly felt ashamed for his far too dark joke – inside of her. Sometimes he saw her forcefully stopping herself from saying something, very admirable effort on her part (one time, he could swear, she almost told Jessica that she was an ugly scarred monster or something like that). And now this. Matt was in big trouble, and she had helped him, just like that, feeling furious and righteous while doing so.

Maybe she still was a bitch. But she would fucking die for her loved ones, and for that Josh hella respected her.

After couple more minutes of searching the basement, Josh headed towards the stairs to look for Chris on the second floor. It was the last option, really. It appeared he was right when he hears Chris’ voice from somewhere from the above.

And really, there he was, standing…

Standing atop of the stairs.

Without glasses.

And he was mov-

“Don’t move!” Josh let out a blood-curdling scream, hoping that he would make it in time. Chris indeed froze on the spot and looked at him with terrified eyes. Sam appeared behind his shoulder, also looking startled.

In one beat Josh flew up the stairs and collided with Chris, pushing him towards the wall, away from the stairs. Chris let out a yelp of surprise, but he was safe. And in that moment, the adrenaline left Josh’s body, providing space for an echo of fear and dark memories. Memories he thought he already had forgotten.

It was Chris birthday, the first one they spent together. Josh remembered that day perfectly; as if this memory was sealed in his brain, triggered with the horror and despair he had felt the moment he saw Chris falling down the stairs, his head and limbs banging loudly on the wall and wooden rails.

Those five seconds have been the longest in his life. He was just standing there, at the foot of the stairs, frozen, watching his friend falling down, right to his feet. Only after he’d heard horrible choking sounds was he was able to snap out of numbness and kneel down, wishing to help somehow. But the feeling of his own helplessness was overwhelming. Chris was struggling to breathe, his face red, throat clearly unable to squeeze any air into his lungs. And after one and a half minutes he finally gasped and coughed and air filled his chest with heavy quick breathing, Josh felt like he was born again, tears in his eyes and hands trembling. “My lungs are burning,” Chris had whispered between desperate attempts to inhale as much air as possible. And then both boys had started crying. 

Now his hands were trembling too, sometimes curling into fists. Stupid, idiotic, carefree fucking Christopher. 

“Josh, Josh, calm down!” He heard Chris begging. “Everything’s fine!”

“Don’t move,” Josh whined, not letting his friend go. “I’m gonna find your glasses, just wait here, with Sam, and don’t move.”

“My gla… Josh, I’m wearing contact lenses.”

What?

“What?” Josh moved closer, leaving almost no space between their faces, and looked directly into Chris’ eyes. And yes, he was indeed wearing…

“Lenses. I’ve found them in the box with Hannah’s stuff in the basement, tried them on. I see everything just fine. Don’t worry. Woah, you gave me quite a scare there with that scream.”

“Yeah, even I jumped, wow!” Sam added, laying a hand on Josh’s shoulder. She was tense but clearly wanted to lessen the tension.

Gave him a scare, he said. Stupid fucking idiot.

“You idiot,” Josh repeated out loud and then hit Chris in the chest with a fist. “You nearly gave me a heart attack, you dick!”

Chris squeaked and quickly embraced Josh with both hands, giving Sam a quick sign with right palm to leave. She complied without questions, running down the stairs. Chris turned and pushed the two of them into the nearest room. It was dark, dusty, and not used by anyone. He managed to close the door behind them, and now they were standing in the dark, Josh’s face hidden in the crook of Chris’ neck.

“It’s okay,” Chris whispered into his ear. “It’s okay. Sam and I found the box, I found the lenses, I tried them on. I see everything almost perfectly. You hear me?” Josh nodded, and Chris continued. “Everything is fine. I won’t fall. You remembered that time, yes?” Another nod. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Josh contained a sob. The amount of fear he felt in that moment… It was awful. His heart still was beating incredibly fast, so loud he thought it could be heard in the silence of the room.

“I’m… I’m…” he tried, but his voice didn’t want to comply. That happened sometimes too. Almost like something would come and squeeze his throat with a hot hand, not letting words out.

“How about that: we sit here for half an hour, I’ll tell you some stupid story, and then we gather the guys to have an epic snow battle. What do ya think?”

To sit in the closed small room, Chris’ hands around him, Chris’ voice telling something interestingly stupid and funny? That was the best deal Josh could get. So he whispered an almost silent ‘yes’ against Chris’ neck, and they sat down, quite in sync, their backs against the door. And Chris told him the story about the fight he saw break out between some guys on the street, recently. About how a man in a black shirt tried to beat another man, who was wearing a red t-shirt, riled him up, and it turned out that the man in the red was some sort of master in martial arts - if Chris were to judge by his moves and technique. The black shirt guy’s friends, and he himself, were running away so fast Chris almost laughed out loud right there on the street.

Josh, too, almost laughed, not because of the story in particular, but because of Chris’ intonations, his enthusiasm, his choice of words. It was always fun to listen to Chris, a real enjoyment.

After the story ended, Chris helped him up. Josh wasn’t shaking anymore, but couldn’t stop feeling ashamed of himself. This was the second day in a row he was having… all these, these bad times, and Chris had no choice but to help.

“Let’s go,” Chris said, and when they opened the door, they were greeted by the sight of Sam sitting beside the door. She looked really worried, but after she saw boys’ faces, she relaxed.

“We can’t sit home all day,” she said, deciding not to directly address what had happened. “Any ideas?”

“Snowball fight.”

“Snowball fight?”

“Massive epic legendary group snowball fight! With hide-and-seek!” Chris clarified. Sam huffed.

“I’ll gather people. You two – dress up.”

“Yes, mom” and “Yes, boss” ringed out simultaneously, making all three of them laugh. After that, the boys headed to their rooms – Chris to take glasses and Josh to put on his boots – and Sam went to gather ‘allies.’ And after all that - ‘that’ being everyone gathered in front of the house all dressed - Sam joined them once again, and said, standing on the porch:

“Okay, guys! In the words of Chris, this is a legendary epic snow battle combined with hide-and-seek. I have no-o-o idea how that works, but…” she giggled, “what does it matter? Just don’t go very far, and… let’s have some fun!”

With wild screams and laughter everyone rushed away from the spot into the forest, all paired up: Em and Matt run to the left, Jess and Mike – to the right, Chris and Josh – somewhere in between. Sam and Ashley stayed for a short period of time, Sam grabbing Ash’s hand and preventing her from going to Chris, so Josh didn’t know where they went.

Josh followed Chris further into the forest, his mind empty, just enjoying the company and the snowy trees and the way sun shined through their bare branches.

He cried in surprise when Chris suddenly grabbed his hand, tugged him, and ran.

So he ran too. Ran behind, his palm in the secure hold of Chris’ hot palm, no gloves between their skin. He didn’t know where they were anymore and doubted they still were playing this stupid game. But whatever Chris wanted, Josh wanted too.

“Yabba dabba doo!” Chris yelled, and next moment they’re falling, no, sliding down from some snowy hill, and Chris’ laugh makes Josh laugh too, makes forget the momentary fear he felt when the sliding started.

“You. Are. Insane!” Josh yelled.

“You lo-ove it!” Chris yelled back. And yes. Josh did.

When they reached the bottom of the hill, they were out of breath. They just laid there, smiling, squinting their eyes to keep them safe from the bright sun. Josh looked around. The hill led them inside some sort of alcove formed from the snowed branches of half-fallen trees. And it was beautiful. Josh felt so good, and he hadn’t felt that way in a long time.

“You know, besides some awful moments, I was feeling really good these past few days,” he said out loud.

“Yeah? This is great!”

“And, uh… it was only that way because of you.”

Chris turned to him, surprise paired with joy on his face.

“Really? Then… I’m really glad. I want you to live your life fully, without all the bullshit.”

And suddenly, a wave of something hit Josh. He looked at Chris, at the way sun shined on his blond hair, on his skin, his glasses, making him look like he was lit with gold, and realised everything, realised – this is it.

He grabbed both Chris’ shoulders, making them face each other.

“I want to live my life fully,” he repeated Chris’ words, words that inspired him. “I want to try as many things as I can. Everything a human being can feel, I want to feel. And what I really want is to share it all with you.” Josh swallowed fear, a surprisingly small amount of it. The wave of passionate honesty was much stronger. So he continued. “You’re already giving me all a friend can give, but… There’s so much more two people can experience together. And I… I want all that. I do. But only with you. I won’t let someone else that close to me. So…” he finally lifted his gaze from the ground and locked his eyes with Chris’, “are you willing to share these kinds of experiences with me, as well?”

“Wow. Joshua, I didn’t know you were such a poet.”

“Wha...” This little piece of…!

"I love you," Chris said abruptly. Josh froze, his mouth fell agape, and he started blinking almost uncontrollably. Chris watched him with a smug smile and added, in a whisper, "So... How is your experience bar?"

"I think I just levelled up," Josh said with a blank face, then looked Chris straight in the eyes...

And they both exploded with laughter.

"Oh my god, that was the lamest ‘I-love-you-s’ exchange anyone has ever done, on this planet!" Josh felt tears burning the corners of his eyes. His body was exploding with relief flooding every bone, and every cell. Happiness felt like something heavy and hot in his chest. And of course, this nerd would turn such an important and serious moment into something humorous. But it was only a façade: they were both deadly serious right now. He did it for Josh, so he could worry less. Chris… Chris was a treasure.

“Love you-s? I don’t think I’ve heard anything from you yet. And, you know…” Christopher’s hand slowly encircled the other man’s shoulders, “I think I just had a brilliant idea how to make this moment even lamer. Do it Toy Story 3 style! I’ll start. I...?”

“Oh no,” Josh started laughing again. This man was impossible.

“I…?” Chris repeated with more force. “Oh, come on, we’re in a hurry!”

“Are we?”

“Of course we are! We have a kiss planned, so hurry up and say it. I’ll start. I...”

And a kiss cut him off. Josh couldn’t wait any longer, not after receiving an open invitation. Hot lips pressed tightly against hot lips, dark-skinned hands at the nape of Chris’ neck; they parted their lips once, and Josh felt Chris’ tongue sliding against his own. It was unbelievingly hot; it drove him crazy. Chris' arms were still encircled around his shoulders, and Chris’ hands tugged his dark hair slightly. Josh let out a small moan of pleasure (note to self – he definitely had a hair-pulling kink). He wondered what kinks Chris might have. They would explore each other like madmen, there was no second thought about that.

“…Love you,” Josh whispered when they parted.

“Finally, he follows the rules,” Chris hummed approvingly, hugging him tightly. “And the answer to your question is yes: I am willing to share every experience with you.”

“Who is a sappy poet now?”

“Still you, I’m just quoting.”

“Oh, shut up.”

***

That night, they fell asleep together again. But this time? It was different. Knowing the truth about each other’s feelings changed everything. Now they didn’t have to restrain themselves, their hands now kept wandering all over each other’s bodies, their legs intertwined, knees banging together, again and again, knees sliding up the inside of thighs, and their gazes, that lingered on each other’s faces, lips, eyes.

And, of course, there were kisses. And it turned out, that they had the same desires: slow, lazy kisses, or very long ones, until their lungs burned without air, after they parted they would take deeps breaths until they ready to start another kissing session. 

It was a new level of intimacy between them, one they silently yearned for.

And finally – finally – they could experience each other fully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still looking for a beta! If you're reading this and willing to work with me, please, send me a word, here in the comments or to my ask box on tumblr - http://imyasart.tumblr.com/


End file.
